I have a friend who recently had her first baby about a month before I had my second one. Since our little guys have been a few weeks old, my friend and I have been walking and working out together. During one of our weekly walks, she expressed to me that she felt like she had lost who she was before she became a mother.
I’m not sure about you, but I clearly remember feeling this way not long after my first child was born. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a mom any more, I just didn’t feel like I was the same person I had been before he was born. Over the last five years, I’ve come to realize that almost every mom on the planet goes through this when they have children.
I think a lot of it is that our lives drastically change the moment we bring that first baby home from the hospital. We aren’t able to go out to dinner with friends at the drop of a hat…and sleep, well, it’s practically non-existent during that first year. This is a lot to swallow when you are used to being able to do the things you enjoy (that make you you) when you want to and then, all of a sudden, you can’t do those things as often.
Gradually, we begin to accept our new life as a mom and begin to stop doing these things altogether. Why? We chalk it up as a necessary sacrifice of being a parent. Soon thereafter, we’re so involved in our child’s life that we don’t remember who we were before the little one was born. So, what’s wrong with this? Well, in 18 short years, your “baby” will be off to college and you will be left alone. If you don’t know who you are apart from your child, you are going to be left feeling empty and it’s very likely that you will suffer from depression as a result.
This is why it is so important that we don’t let ourselves lose our pre-parent identities. So, how do we stop this from happening? Below are just a few tips for how you can take your identity back.
1. Schedule lunch with a friend. Make time to schedule lunch at least once a month with a close friend. Sure, you may need to get a babysitter for an hour, but that’s okay. You and your little one will both benefit from the adult time you’ll get from it.
2. Revisit an old hobby. You are just going to have to “bite the bullet” and make plans to do something you enjoyed before you had the baby. Maybe it was kickboxing or seeing a favorite band in concert or riding horses. Whatever it is, make time to do it again. If your kids are old enough, you could bring them along. Who knows, maybe they would even take an interest in it and you guys could do it together!
3. Make new friends. Finally, at some point we realize that our single “kid-less” friends slowly stop coming around. It’s not that they don’t like us anymore, it’s just that we’re all at different points in our lives. This is when it’s time to get out and make new friends…who are at the same place in their lives. Join groups where there are other moms. For instance, MOPS is a great place to start. Or, you could join a local Zumba class or a book club. Explore the options in your community and make a point to get out and make new “mom” friends.
